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is it... could it be...?
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yeah. Go figure.

Pain comes, and life goes on.
The most unpleasant thing is watching people grow old and die. And the bitch of it is that I can't escape the news. I want to hold my hands over my ears and go waaa waa waa waa instead of actually having to hear another person tell me who died this week."No! Don't tell me!! My neighbor Neil- from a family that my family has been friendly with for about 30 years- told me his dad is dying of cancer.Then I hear that a young woman I know from ..I dont know- just locally - she just died. Went out, drank a lot. Went home, did blow- died. I couldn't run away or unhear it or make it less true. THAT is why I hate being nice to people. They tell me this stuff and I don't want to care, but I do. I want to not give a shit but I can't help it. It's the goddam pennance for caring for people.
No shit- that cycle- the people you care for get engaged- you go to their showers and bachelor or bachelorette parties, then you go to their weddings, then you go to the baby showers, then the irritating little birthday parties ( yeah I throw them too -so what- shut up) then the graduations, then the kids weddings then your friends parents funerals and then THEY start to fucking die because they FORGOT TO STOP DOING FUCKING DRUGS AND DRINKING AND SMOKING!!!!! "Oh YEAH!" they might wish to say as they smack themselves in the forehead- " I forgot to stop doing drugs and drinking and smoking!" but they can't because they're dead.
Fucking idiots.

Yeah so , there's that.
I have complaints but they just won't be as much fun with people dying and whatnot. SO, maybe later.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: silence for once

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AHHHH!! I'm screaming, not sighing with satisfaction.

Goddamit. Courtney you better get over here and help me put pictures on this goddamit thing and help me make it less ....unlike me! Shit dammit.
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Scare the monkeys. Love the monkeys. Visit the monkeys.

Tell the monkeys " I'll fight ya!"
Show them your teeth. Tap on the glass,wish you could swing like that, wonder about the cardboard...
db db db db hmmm.. that looks rather like balls, no? Odd. Aaaaanyway-
Think about them later. (You know you will)
Imagine how much better this would all be with pictures.

Current Mood: amazed by monkey faces
Current Music: hey hey we're the monkeys!

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so hey, I volunteered at the Humane Socoety and did an orientation meeting today and bitch that I am, wanted to punch the annoying face of one of the volunteers who because she KNOWS EVERYFUCKINGTHING would not shut up long enough to let the board member person speak for 20 seconds in a row, causing her to run over the time we were supposed to be done causing me to be late for taking Isabel to yoga, today being her first and only time. Whew. All that in one breath. Ok just venting some hostility.
One day I am divine , the next, pure evil.
Not sucking to be me this week. I'm sure it will get back to sucking hard next week.

I carried a log home from the bridge because it is PERFECT for making a standing coat rack I want so badly. I saw this thing in Woodstock at the Sweetheart Gallery but it was 800 bucks. I am thinking I cannot afford to spend 800 bucks to hang my coat on a stick. Certainly not when I can make my own stick far cheaper.
In any event it is a LOVELY coatrack and you should go see it since I cannot post pictures on my LJ due to my being a tech spaz.Go to www.sweetheartgallery.com. I want just about everything on that site. All of it...all for me...me!ME!!GIVE IT ALL TO ME!!!


After reading Courts latest update I remembered one of my first days with a new painting crew, two Mexican guys. Since my brother was their boss, they were pissed one VERY hot day that I was leaving early. When they asked me why I was leaving I said "because I'm a pretty,pretty princess" I thought that was very amusing. Apparently something in the culture gap prevented them from seeing the humor in it.
Oh well.

Current Mood: I want coffe but it;s late
Current Music: getcha head in the game.

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Yes. You are. Dig it.

I went to Reiki tonight. I've been going for a few weeks. From what I read it was supposed to be energy healing. Healing with energy.Healing the mind, the soul, the spirit. Good idea, I thought. Very spiritual with nothing to do with religion. Ok. I'm in. Held in a church. ummm..ok.
My childhood church.Where all my energy was spent as a child. Fitting that I could go there to be healed by energy. Like a blood bank. Well, my mind was working. Anyway...
Last few times I went , there were very strange experiences. In my mind? Maybe. But there were things i saw. A golden Hindu temple right in front of me then whhoooosh pulled far back, a badger or weasel, can't remember which , who walked over to me with his head bowed until he was right beneath me- at my feet- then he jerked his head up to face me and smiled the Cheshire cat smile at me. Very odd.
Also, Mexican Day of the Dead skeletons dancing, lights flickering like Aurora Borealis, pinpoint lights in the corner of my eyes, Stonehenge to the right of me, and a voice chanting "are you searching the stone?" or something to that effect.
When I came out and told the healer of these things, she told me that it was normal.That many people see many different things. I told her that every week from the moment I come in I want to cry and run out of there. She said that was normal too. That I was trying to 'break through'. Ok.
Last time, the church door opened and I saw a guy come into the church. I was sure he was there although I know he was not. Not physically.He was tall, in a robe hands tucked into his sleeves. He never looked up. Walked past me and to the rear of the church. I never turned to see if he sat or exited.
That information freaked out the healer and the others. Uh- me too.
THIS week, Reiki master works on me. I am in that church where I have spent countless hours as a child, caretaker, acolyte, reciever of communion,member of the choir,laughing child in the back pew, sunday school student, congregant, ( is that a word, even?), playing Mary in one of the Christmas Pageants, playing angel Gabriel in yet another, stealing the host and the wine from the sacresty, opening the tabernacle on the altar. I saw all these me's in there tonight. Like a creepy movie.
And tonight I did cry but I didn't run out of there. I didn't see too many unusual things, but saw a King with a gold crown who looked suspiciously like all the pictures of Jesus that I was bombarded with over the years.
Surely my mind at work from all the childhood brainwashings and being in this place.
SO- when we come out , the Reiki master wants to speak to me alone.
We go to a corner of the large church hall- she asks me: "Do you know about yourself? Do you know how special you are?" And part of me is saying "Yes , I do" and the larger part of me is saying "are you fucking insane?" And my mouth is saying "sometimes I feel like I am special in some way, yes"
So my cynical mind is thinking what is in this for her. But logically, nothing. The healers do this for free and the church gets themoney that we pay for the session.
She says there is a feeling of you not knowing who you are , not knowing that you are this powerful being. She said when we were in there, I felt so much in you. I really don't think I have ever worked on anyone like you before. When we were in there I saw a scholarly man at your knee, it was you and I started to cry and the only word that I can think of to describe it was divinity, that you were a divine being and I wasn't sure I should even TOUCH you."
Holy SHIT I thought. WTF is THAT about? She said that she felt I had a strong religious connection and I thought that's nuts, I am so completely NOT religious. She went on to say that she saw me with light all around me and crosses and Jesus and power. She stressed the power part. I was blown away.
I said " so what do I do with that?" she said "I don't know. I just feel honored that I got to work on you" Ok well, I said - stammering . Like what the fuck do you say to that? Do divinities say fuck as often as I do? Yeah I guess so! Ha!
So I said I would stand up straighter now, knowing I am divine and all. Wow huh?
You know someone this cool and powerful. How lucky are YOU!!

Current Mood: Hell, Im elated. A divinity!

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Wait. No I don't. I only know what they mean by the good ol days. And what the fuck happened to my font here? Font goblins have hijacked my preferred font.Font goblins. HAhahahahaha.

 Ok so- I saw a lame movie , I had coffee afterwards with a old friend who seems to begrudge me everything in my life.Whatever... we ended up talking about waaaaay old times like when we were 16 and the guys we used to ...ahem...date. Yeah. Date.

We have very foggy recollections of those boys but we remember distinctly what drugs we took . We can't remember where the hell we found those boys. No idea where we met them. But we remember going to DiNuzzios tomb (which I almost just spelled t-o-o-m because I am a moron) to smoke opium. Cool. Well, you know, it was , THEN. And wow, as we spoke, so many things that I had packed in the memory bank came rushing forward like "Pick ME!, Pick ME!"

I remembered:

Peaches. Which were little peach colored diet pills that you could only get from the doctor and we used to buy them for a dollar from Billy Linderman, on whose doctor it never dawned that he was enormous and never lost an ounce although he had a constant script of those fucking pills!

White 697's which were more diet pills for which you needed a prescription . We ate these things like Pez candy and always wondered why people spent SO much money on coke when you could eat these and be wired for 12 hours.

 One night: I invited some DJs from a radio station I used to listen to over my house after talking with them on the phone. They were college students, we were wasted, my parents were in Boston. I remember being SO VERY wired that I was seeing in like 'magnavision" Everything was so intensified and it looked so vivid to me, so much clearer than reality. There was a bag of garbage on the sewing machine and these DJs were sitting around my dining room table with me and my brothers and my neighbor. We had a plate of pills on the table like snacks ( retrospect realization:wow, how fucked up was THAT!) and we were all wasted and wired. I couldn't stop looking at that bag of garbage. It was a paper bag and it was on a newspaper on the sewing machine. It had begun to ooze some disgusting brown liquid which was bleeding onto the paper and I was MORTIFIED thinking what kind of white trash we must seem like to these guys.Then I noticed a fly buzzing around. It was wintertime and that fly was like a horrible little sign saying look how nauseating this place is. I was so horrified I left. Ha! Left them all there.

 Sicilian pizza, 75 cents a slice, served to us by Zorch who , if he was still in th business today , I would not let touch my food.( he was so disgusting)

Quarts of Budweiser which was what we drank at 14, 15 and 16. In Tier street lot. I used to peel the big label off the front. I saved them. I ruined many more than I managed to get off in one piece.I had 85 of them.I was proud of that. What an obvious alcoholic-ling

 I remember Suzi Roublick tripping after having eaten mescaline and screaming screaming screaming all through the lot and me and doreen who were also tripping had to calm her down but we couldn't stop laughing.She was sitting on a log screaming with her hands over her face and I almost puked from laughing so hard.Years later, she fucked my boyfriend. Maybe to get even. HAHAHAHAHA!

Standing in the rain tripping on acid, watching, hypnotized as the drops saturated my new $200 suede fringe jacket which was a gift from Pat Schiavone.It took a long time to saturate. I waited. I remember being amazed at the way the wet splotches just joined and melted together to form bigger dark spots. Damn. What a waste of such a cool jacket.

 I remember beating up Doreens boyfriend Fidel in front of Columbus High School one night when were drunk. Southern Comfort. It really wasn't a comfort at all, that stuff.

Now that I am remembering more stuff, it seems there are many memories involving me striking someone or other. Wow. I'll have weird dreams tonight.

I remember hanging out outside my high school selling joints.

 I remember riding a horse to school one day and running him around the track. I remember, I remember, I remember...

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: me singing Night Moves. Badly

Unable to locate the rest of my life. Not the rest of as in what's left to live...but the rest of it like- the part that used to be here and is now gone. Seemingly and seamlessly absorbed by one arrogant man and two greedy children.
No one seems to notice that it's missing but me which brings me to the "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it..." question.
I feel like Julianne Moore in that movie The Forgotten. She has a child. But due to a collusion between the government and the extraterrestrials, an experiment has taken place to test the bonds of motherhood. The child has disappeared and they try to convince her that the child never existed! Her photographs are "updated" by the authorities, her husbands memories of the child are erased and all that is left to evidence this child's life is his mothers memory of him. What an UNCANNY resemblance to what has happened to the part of my life that used to exist here!! Unfuckingcanny, I tell ya.

I used to be:YOUNG
overflowing with ideas and creative energy
sexy ( yes I was!)
fiercely independent
on wheels always
never without my guitar
ok- a drug addict. Hey I was young, it was fun.
built like a brick shithouse
and only mildly irritating.
Out of all these things , now I am only violent and mildly irritating.

I used to go to bars, biker parties, strange men's homes
I used to fuck and fight in equal measure, drink shots of tequila with men who would kill you as soon as look at you. Then I would beat them at pool. Ha!
I used to go to Rikers Island to visit my friends
I used to fall asleep drunk on the back of Mike's panhead, do lines for breakfast, climb 40 foot ladders hungover, walk through the Orchard Beach woods at midnight with an axe in one hand and a guitar in the other, arm wrestle with Angels...
NOW- I shop at Trader Joe's for Organic food. I make stew, drink bottled water, have sex with only ONE MAN ( at a time) NO ! HAHAH! I'M KIDDING! Sex with one man ONLY. EVER. (yikes)
I whine. I nag. I yell at my kids and make them eat broccoli, do homework and wash behind their ears.I go to fucking PTA meetings. OMG. I carry a phone.I experience guilt .
I am responsible. I HATE THAT!

I really miss dangerous men. How fucked up is that?
The end. Really.
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I think the inescapable eventuality ( is that redundant?) of growing old is a very slowly dawning realization. You know? It's like watching a child grow. You see them every day, so you don't notice they are growing up but there is the evidence - everywhere. They are taller, they eat more, they're smart mouthed all of a sudden- but I digress...what I'm saying is that- just, man...before you know it- the signs of aging are all over the fucking place! Lines around the eyes, sagging parts. ( gravity is NO ones friend unless you happen to be floating aimlessly in space) Fat jiggling around on parts that once upon a time received lovely (if not lewd) compliments. Then there's the sudden aversion to all those yummy foods you love. Oh, you still love them, but they detest you. They must. Why else would they treat your body the way they do? What on earth would cause you such pain but a thing that wants you dead!? Like onions want me dead. And garlic. Broccoli. Mushrooms. It's quite sad.We used to be very close.

And nostalgis! What the FUCK is THAT all about? I should not be permitted to listen to the radio! I am like an old senile woman who thinks the memories are like- NOW. That life is like it was when I was 15 or 20 or some other delightfully ignorant-of-mortality age. The ! ha! Imagine my shock whe nI leave the room in which the radio is playing and I am transported through time to....2 0 0 6!!!!!!!!
I do NOT even want to wax about the disgusting and disgruntling aspects of the loss of elasticity,the slower reaction time, the thinning of the hair and the long term memory loss. Although I suspect that last thing is due to the mental exhaustion that results from watching myself AGE!!!!!
The things that excite me now are WAY different than the things that used to excite me. Let's not get into it. I'm going to bed.
I'm old fer chrissakes.

Current Mood: astounded
Current Music: Old nostalgic crap from my WILD days! Yeah I had them!

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